It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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