omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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