I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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