Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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