Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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