God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
