My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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