Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
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