Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
