I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
