I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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