Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
