"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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