turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
