i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
