If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
