I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
