You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
