o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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