Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
