Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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