Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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