Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
