dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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