i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
