thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
