this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
