Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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