I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
