no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
