Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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