I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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