I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
