There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
