Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
