My Higher Power is John Stamos
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
