literally had 100 drinks last night.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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