a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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