I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I intend to get homeless drunk
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
