a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Are we still banned from the library?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
