chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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