Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
