i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
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