So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
