Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
