did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
