This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my phone needs a breathalizer
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
