i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
