my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
