If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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